Is XFINITY an infinitely bad name–how much time do you have?

Some people really don't like the name. (pic: Manka Bros.)

by Danny Altman

I will give you a four hour window to consider Comcast’s new name for its triple play service.

In the first hour, after you wash the dishes and clean out the cat litter, you can ponder why big companies waste their money doing superficial rebrands while their real problems lie untouched.

In the second hour, after you water the plants and clean up the TV room, you can ask yourself if there are any conditions under which one bad name (Comcast) and one really bad name (Xfinity) can cancel each other out.

In the third hour, after you check your stocks and tweak the grocery list, you can consider the xtreme naivete of a company that thinks a poorly crafted pastiche of a “futuristic” name will actually invoke a positive image of the future.

In the fourth hour, after you place that nervous call to Comcast to find out what happened to your Xfinity service technician, formerly known as Larry the Cable Guy, and you check that funny-looking mole on your arm, you can reflect on how, despite the relentless march of technology, some things just never change.

Buffalo’s Peace Bridge ponders selling its soul to PETA

The daily commute in Buffalo is about to become a lot more colorful.

by Jeffery Racheff

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

At least that may be the case in Buffalo, New York, where the city’s Department of Transportation is looking for a way to come up with the necessary funds required to fix a bridge. A state audit has concluded the Peace Bridge, which connects Buffalo with Canada across Lake Erie, is in “deficient condition” and has serious deterioration and safety issues.

Enter PETA, which has an uncanny smell for publicity stunts. In a letter to the state of New York’s transportation commissioner, the animal rights organization has offered to fund the bridge repairs… on the condition its name be changed to “Peace on Your Plate Bridge.”

“The bridge’s new name would remind Buffalo residents that every time we sit down to eat, we make a choice,” says PETA vice-president Tracy Reiman. Not only would the city be reminding drivers of the morality of their diets, but, according to Reiman, vegetarian Buffalonians would weigh less and thus “help to lighten the bridge’s load.”

For New Yorkers, this may be too good of a deal to pass up. Sure, PETA is a wacky and controversial bunch, but their stunts are rarely more than just annoying to those who can’t stomach the gospel of tofurkey and soy nuggets. The proposed bridge name wouldn’t even have the group’s tag on it, so proud meat-eaters could always just hold their breaths or something when they cross—like when you drive past a cemetery. Even if they do accept the money and change the official name of the bridge, most people will probably continue to call it what they’ve called it their entire lives anyway. Maybe a few tourists might ask questions, but “Peace on Your Plate Bridge” is a bit of a mouthful.

Knowing PETA, they’re more likely to turn the bridge into some kind of horror show and depress the hell out of commuters. Pictures of shackled elephants and one-eyed puppies will hang from exit signs, while activists throw tomatoes at fishermen passing under the bridge.

That may sound far-fetched, but it’s not like PETA hasn’t pulled crazier stunts in the past. The group has been called everything from headline-hungry and tasteless, to absurd and downright insane, and is known as much for its stance against animal cruelty as it is for its half-shocking, half-absurd protests. Most recently, the organization suggested our nation’s weather-predicting groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, be replaced with a robot.

But hey, money’s money. And I’m guessing New Yorkers would be willing to swallow a whole lot of absurdity (even if it tastes like breaded, cruelty-free cardboard) as long as it saves them tax dollars.

And as always, just make sure you know who you’re dealing with. If wacky, controversial publicity stunts are your sponsor’s MO, you can’t say you’re surprised when you wake up to find your bridge covered in photos of dismembered chickens.

Quick Hits: Naming and Branding News

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Restaurateur Bruce Buschel is looking for the perfect name for his local seafood restaurant, which he originally named Bananafish – an ode to the late J.D. Salinger. As he explains, “all the names I think of have something to do with J.D. Salinger. My first dog was named Seymour, An Introduction.”

This year’s Academy Awards excitement has begun, but how exactly did the Hollywood honor come to be called the Oscar? Rumors abound, with Bette Davis, Walt Disney, and Academy librarian Margaret Herrick all taking credit for the name Oscar, which became the official title for the award in 1939.

The UK government made a big mistake naming the kid’s area of their Directgov website “Buster’s World,” unaware that the friendly and informative sheriff’s dog shares a name with an adult fetish site.

Officials in Jakarta report that three hundred unnamed islands will be erased from maps if a decision on how to name the islands is not made soon.

A company named Cc: Betty is evolving into a new platform with a different name and brand identity. The company announced its new service, named Threadbox, which will be available this spring.

Annals of naming: Charmin becomes Cushelle

Charmin getting driven out of town

by Danny Altman

Like the U.S., Europe is dominated by a few brands of toilet paper–Lotus, Scottex, Cottonelle. And if Swedish giant SCA gets its way, Cushelle (you know it as Charmin) will soon be one of them. SCA is pouring 11 million euros into a rebranding campaign to make Cushelle the roll to beat.

So what was wrong with Charmin in Europe? As a name, does Cushelle feel any different from the other big corporatey brands? Not to us. In fact it sounds cloyingly close to Cottonelle. Maybe that’s why they’re employing a koala on the package as a “cuteness magnet.”

But in Europe, every country has its own personality. So wherever you go, there are also local brands you can depend on. You can wipe with 40 grit sandpaper (Andrex) in the UK or with live kittens (KittenSoft) in Ireland. You can be polite with toilet paper that says thank you (Danke) in Switzerland. Or you can be totally carefree (Tenderly) in Italy.

No matter which way you go, according to the World Wildlife Fund, Europe is headed in the wrong direction here. Long famous among American travelers for abrasive (read recycled) toilet tissue, it looks like Europeans are finally caving in to the cushy American lifestyle. This does not sit well with environmental organizations. It turns out that super soft TP like Cushelle gets its pillowy softness from virgin forests. Maybe that’s why koalas are always so pissed off.

‘Avatar’ goes to China, tries to claim a mountain

At left: China's Southern Sky Column. At right: James Cameron's magical floating mountains.

by Jeffery Racheff

There has never been another film like Avatar. Both technologically and cinematically, James Cameron’s epic about blue warrior cat-people from outer space has set a new standard for film-making — recently it surpassed Titanic (another Cameron flick) to become the highest-grossing film of all time, with a world-wide total of over $2 billion.

A large part of that revenue came from China, where, with $100 million in box office receipts, it is officially the most successful film ever shown in the country. The Chinese love the world of Pandora so much that the film’s run was even granted an extension by the government, which usually only gives 10 days to foreign films out of fears they will butt out domestic fare.

Then, just last week, a mountain called “Southern Sky Column” (said to be the inspiration for the film’s floating “Hallelujah Mountains”) in the country’s southern Hunan province was formally renamed “Avatar Hallelujah Mountain.” Fans are reportedly already lined up to take the tour, where for a few hundred dollars you too can venture to the craggy peaks that were once potentially graced by the presence of a Hollywood photographer.

But don’t book your tickets yet. Though the ceremony was reported by a government website, Chinese officials have now claimed no such naming took place. Critics charged that Zhangjiajie (the town) had been influenced by greed and was grovelling to popular Western culture. So the name was undone, leaving the city to find other ways to bring in tourists.

This also comes as terrible news to Na’vi nuts the world over. Many fans of Avatar have admitted depression over the dream of such a world being intangible. Seriously. So it appears China’s PR machine  may be missing an opportunity here by not allowing Post-Pandora-Depression sufferers a place to heal.

Then again, many believe this would have just been a tasteless ploy to make money. Which would of course be totally inappropriate, you know, because Avatar was created to spread a message of peace and nature and love, not to make people learn how to book hotels in Mandarin.

Whatever they decide to call the mountain, you’re probably better off coming to terms with the fact that Pandora does not exist here on Earth. And if you’re still tempted to fly around the world in search of it, I recommend just going to the theaters again instead. The tickets are practically the same price.

Quick Hits: Naming and Branding News

Not exactly what Dr. Suess had in mind.

Without asking for permission, a start-up coal gasification project masquerading as a “green coal” company, has named itself LoraxAg, after the beloved character in a classic Dr. Seuss book.

Following the great success of Avatar, the Chinese government has renamed the “Heaven and Earth Pillar,” a dramatic peak of the Wulingyuan national park. Now known as “Avatar Hallelujah Mountain,” officials believe the popularity of the film will increase tourism in the region.

France, the country that pioneered the regulatory system of Appellation d’origine contrôlée, in order to define and protect its famous regions of food and drink, is suddenly in the hot seat. Lacheteau, a winemaker from the Loire river valley, gave its Sauvignon Blanc the name “Kiwi Cuvee” and the New Zealand Winegrowers association is now up in arms.

According to a recent report by the Massachusetts Attorney General, doctors and hospitals with a powerful brand name command higher prices than their competition for the same services.

The McDonalds Corporation is challenging 19-year-old Lauren McCluskey’s Special Olympics charity drive because the name, “McFest” infringes on their copyrights.



Is iPad a terrible name?

Meet the er... real iPad. Watch Apple kick Fujitsu around the block.

by Danny Altman

There has been quite a kerfluffle about Apple’s name for its new arrival, the iPad.

Fujitsu is challenging Apple’s right to use the name. TV talking heads are panning it. It’s “cringe-inducing” says a woman p.r. expert. A social media expert says that Apple, with its usually meticulous attention to detail, totally missed the reference to feminine hygiene.

It’s easy to throw stones at companies that build glass tablets. Is it a great name? No. Is it a provocative name for some women?  Apparently. Does any of this matter? No.

Apple is one company that understands branding. They have been brilliant about focusing on the only brand that matters–the big one. Apple has a long history of making great products with undistinguished names. And, for my money, Apple is the only computer company that is even remotely in touch with its feminine side – they are totally into design, integration, communication, beauty and elegance. Is that enough – or should I keep going?

Ankle biters go home.

A lasting memorial to… you

The Burj gets a name change

by Barry Silverstein

A few weeks ago, the world’s tallest skyscraper, Burj Dubai was renamed Burj Khalia (Khalia Tower).

Khalia, you see, is Sheikh Khalia Bin Zayed Al Nahyan – the guy who pumped $10 billion into Dubai to keep it from bankruptcy. Khalia is president of the United Arab Emirates and ruler of Abu Dhabi.

Could there be a more fitting tribute to a human being than to get his name emblazoned on the highest building in the world – literally reaching the height of perceived immortality? The Sheikh is set for life, and the hereafter.

We humans have a way of putting our mark on inanimate objects. It undoubtedly represents our understanding that life is fleeting, and lasting recognition is only achieved through permanent memorials.

At the highest level, it’s naming cities, airports, buildings and facilities. People who fly out of Dulles, JFK, LaGuardia, O’Hare, or Reagan may not give a second thought to the individuals for whom those airports were named. New York and Chicago residents live or work in buildings named the Trump Tower. Around the world, travelers stay at Marriott and Hilton hotels.

To political wonks, the Jefferson, Lincoln and Washington Memorials, and the Harry S. Truman Library and Museum, have their proper place. To Duke sports fans, the Michael W. Krzyzewski Center for Athletic Excellence may be a tongue-tying mouthful, but it is no less significant. And who would argue with the lasting value of Boston’s Dana-Farber Cancer Institute or Stanford University’s Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital?

For the ultra-rich, a building may not be quite enough. That’s why we have such organizations as The Rockefeller Foundation and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Then there are those for whom higher education represents the most fitting tribute. Students attend Babson College, The Medill School of Journalism, The Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, and the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth. (Never mind the professorships named for people.)

Of course, as we travel down the food chain, there are less extravagant memorials to people both living and dead – mountains and hiking trails, benches and streets, bridges and overpasses. Even rocks.

Wines, liquors, and mixed drinks are named after people. If you’re friends with Arnold Palmer or Tom Collins, you know what I’m talking about.

Food dishes are also named after people. Perhaps you’ve eaten Bananas Foster, Chateaubriand, a Caesar salad, or Eggs Benedict. But naming foods has gone mainstream, too. On the menu of the popular restaurant chain, Moe’s Southwest Grill, you’ll find the Art Vandalay burrito, the John Coctostan quesadilla, and the Billy Barou nachos.

There’s something oddly fascinating about memorializing someone’s life with an inanimate object. A life of experiences, friendships and accomplishments gets distilled into a rock or a bridge or a building. Maybe over time the object becomes more well known than the person (I’m looking at you Dulles). It seems a little depressing, but then again, I guess anything is a step up from a tombstone.

Chanel wants to tattoo you, temporarily

Chanel muscles in on the tattoo business. Your local tattoo parlor is probably safe.

By Jeffery Racheff

Nothing says rock ‘n’ roll like a good face tattoo. Just look at Mike Tyson. Unfortunately, not everyone can be like Mike. Rock ‘n’ roll (and, in Mike’s case, mild insanity) is only fun in short bursts, because afterward most of us have to return to the real world where tattoos, even face ones, are sometimes deemed inappropriate for the workplace.

Luckily, fake tattoos have been solving this problem ever since they came in packs of bubble gum. Those of us too indecisive to put permanent ink on our skin can pretend to be cool on the weekend, then peel away come Monday morning. And now the fake tattoo is hitting the big time. Starting in March, Chanel, one of the world’s most popular purveyors of perfume and high-end fashion, will make available its own line of temporary tattoos. Packets of the stick-on ink will contain five sheets of various designs and will run for around $75. A trifle compared to the cost of a Chanel surfboard or scooter or fishing rod.

Until now, the temp tat has existed solely in the realm of children and those with an extra quarter or two as they exit the corner store. But with the new Chanel line, removable tattoos are no longer kitsch — they’re bona fide fashion accessories. And why not? Fashionista folk use everything else to complement their outfits, so it doesn’t seem so far-fetched to decorate your skin with cherry blossoms to match your scarf.

Of course, this is exactly not the “rocker” image associated with actual tattoos, but it does tap into a desire to be part of an alternative culture. If anything it’s kind of fitting that a company obsessed with appearance would market fake tattoos, and by extension fake attitude. Then again, Chanel’s faux inks of birds and jewelry don’t really give off the same “je ne sais quoi” like some biker’s tat of a stripper straddling a sword.

To many it will seem strange that Chanel would charge so much for a sticker that will rub off in a couple days anyway, but maybe that’s not the point. Maybe you’re actually paying for the impermanence. Sure, you could probably get a real tattoo for about the same price, but that would be like condemning yourself to a hat you could never take off. Remember, these stick-on tattoos are merely accessories, so who would want a genuine Chanel tattoo that will just go out of style when next Fall’s lineup hits the runways?

And honestly, is there really any difference between wearing a logo on your sleeve and wearing a logo on your skin? Some say at least a T-shirt or blouse provides a service (like, say, keeping your body covered), but if that was the main reason you buy shirts you’d be shopping at Walgreens for your clothes, not from designer labels.

So whether or not you can find good reason to shell out $75 for a fake tattoo, you have to admit it’s about time the little stickers had their big break. Fake tattoos seem ready-made for brands tailored to the style-conscious, where a look is in one minute then out the next. After all, if beauty is really only skin deep, you might as well have some fun moving it around.

Quick Hits: Naming and Branding News

A little late to the party: The Beaver changes its name.

Google has taken a sweet approach to crafting names for Android updates…Cupcake, Donut, Éclair, Froyo: they’re all named after desserts.

Hostess invented their signature cup cake in 1919, surely with the hopes that their treat would be inimitable. Now, the company is suing Little Debbie for infringing on their brand’s white loop de loop.

In 1920 The Beaver was the perfect name for a Canadian magazine that celebrated the early culture of the region’s fur traders. Now, Canada’s second oldest magazine is changing its name to avoid being a target for browser censorship and spam filters. After March it will be known as Canada’s History.

We’ve talked about the potential names for Apple’s tablet before, but the latest rumors circulating insist that Jobs will be naming the anticipated product the iPad or the iSlate.